f-f-f-failure
what is it with women and failure?
i don't know about anyone else, but i spend a large part of my waking hours and probably a good few sleeping ones, feeling like i've failed. i'm a fraud. i'm not what i claim to be. and i'm no good at what i do which is why i don't do it as much as i want to.
i was being disingenuous when i said i don't know about anyone else. i know for a fact that several of my women friends who work in theatre/film/tv feel the same way.
do men feel like this? am i being simplistic to suggest this is more of a struggle for women? are my pre-reformation feminist roots showing?
it's an open question.
in other matters...
money.
hhmmm. sticky one that. g did one of those super-dooper budget thingys. i knew it was a bad idea. we currently spend £1100 a month more than we earn. hoopla! no wonder i feel like a failure.
so i'm going back to work. i mean to working for other people, as an assistant (failure) on other people's great big shows. it makes more sense than g working more as i can earn more and though i am moaning now, i have no cause for complaint - it's good work and it's good money and at least i get to an occasional glamourous red carpet do. as an assistant (failure). you see how that works?
that's provided i can find the work. it may be i'm too much out of the loop and can't even get a job as a resident director (failure). we'll just have to wait and see. and spiral into debt while we do (failure).
in the unravelling of our financial mess, i also managed to make 1stB feel like he was somehow to blame (bad mother) . he sobbed and sobbed at the thought that his riding costs us more than we can afford and if only he didn't do it then we'd be alright. soon we were both there sobbing on the couch. g came in towards the tired snivelly end to ridicule us in a kindly way. and 1stB cheered up with much encouragement. but it was horrible at the time.
and i had the most ghastly 'flu which hung around for ages and made my eyes go wierd. and i felt like a failure then too that my body wasn't better at handling viruses. i did. really. and that's just a stupid thing to feel a failure about.
in brighter news...
it's another mini play night tomorrow night at the southwark and g and i are both directing plays for it. hooray. you see, that's something.
crikey moses what a whinger i am. something cheery next time. promise.
i don't know about anyone else, but i spend a large part of my waking hours and probably a good few sleeping ones, feeling like i've failed. i'm a fraud. i'm not what i claim to be. and i'm no good at what i do which is why i don't do it as much as i want to.
i was being disingenuous when i said i don't know about anyone else. i know for a fact that several of my women friends who work in theatre/film/tv feel the same way.
do men feel like this? am i being simplistic to suggest this is more of a struggle for women? are my pre-reformation feminist roots showing?
it's an open question.
in other matters...
money.
hhmmm. sticky one that. g did one of those super-dooper budget thingys. i knew it was a bad idea. we currently spend £1100 a month more than we earn. hoopla! no wonder i feel like a failure.
so i'm going back to work. i mean to working for other people, as an assistant (failure) on other people's great big shows. it makes more sense than g working more as i can earn more and though i am moaning now, i have no cause for complaint - it's good work and it's good money and at least i get to an occasional glamourous red carpet do. as an assistant (failure). you see how that works?
that's provided i can find the work. it may be i'm too much out of the loop and can't even get a job as a resident director (failure). we'll just have to wait and see. and spiral into debt while we do (failure).
in the unravelling of our financial mess, i also managed to make 1stB feel like he was somehow to blame (bad mother) . he sobbed and sobbed at the thought that his riding costs us more than we can afford and if only he didn't do it then we'd be alright. soon we were both there sobbing on the couch. g came in towards the tired snivelly end to ridicule us in a kindly way. and 1stB cheered up with much encouragement. but it was horrible at the time.
and i had the most ghastly 'flu which hung around for ages and made my eyes go wierd. and i felt like a failure then too that my body wasn't better at handling viruses. i did. really. and that's just a stupid thing to feel a failure about.
in brighter news...
it's another mini play night tomorrow night at the southwark and g and i are both directing plays for it. hooray. you see, that's something.
crikey moses what a whinger i am. something cheery next time. promise.
posted by spindleshanks at 2:21 PM
8 Comments:
On the gender thing, I think it might depend on what profession you're in. In some ways I think men put more pressure on themselves and feel worse in a failure situation. Suicide statistics would support that argument I think. That notion of being 'the provider' in families still runs deep for many men.
For women there is the added issue of trying to have a career and bear children and parent them. Because the balancing act is so difficult, particularly when money is a concern (I don't imagine Cate Blanchett or Gwyneth Paltrow has these problems) you can end up feeling you're a failure on both levels.
Of course, you know you're not. If you go back to residency it won't necessarily be forever and to be valued by a big company like that shows you're nothing like a failure in their eyes.
That your son is so sensitive to think he may have contributed to money concerns, rather than be angry like so many self absorbed teenage boys would is a testament to him and you. That you could have a good old cry together followed by a laugh with stepdad included, shows an emotionally secure environment. You have a successful family who love and look out for one another. And together you'll pull through.
We are in a similar financial situation but I hang on to the belief it will not always be like this. Some days I lose my grip but for the most part I believe determination, action and optimism will pull us through.
Yikes - starting to sound like a self-help book now! Best stop.
Lots of luck for the shows you've directed!
xx fm
The difference is simple - men only ever feel like a failiure about one thing at a time - ad so spend a lot of their feeling successful in one thing too. Women can multi-task and feel like a failiure in a dozen things at once!
Finances suck - no matter how much/little we earn or how much I cut down on "extra's" we always run out of money before pay-day.
good luck with finding some work - and whatever job you get is a success bcause it ill bring in money, which is the reason you'e doing it!
oh sweetie...you are not a failure, you are doing a brilliant job juggling it all. The money thing is a real struggle but it's also part of this fabulous life as a working artist. The residencies ARE NOT failures and they lead onto to other opportunities and contacts (not to mention posh parties at VIP country houses). fm is right, it won't be forever, you are choosing to do this now that's all and you were such an asset to that company before I would think they will be frothing to get you back on board.
And fm is also right about the family. And that's a huge success.
xxxxx
You don't sound like a failure to me, just like yourself, struggling with unwelcome choices.
I can't add much to what everyone else said. I agree with all of them.
You have to choose the best available option but it doesn't reflect on you, only on your situation.
Best of luck with getting work. I'm sure you'll do the best possible with whatever you end up doing.
thank you for all your lovely comments. i feel cheered. teary but cheered. x
Oh Spindle-Shanked One - can I say "poor you"? Sometimes what a girl really needs is a bit of a (virtual) hug & a "poor you" - clearly a million pounds would help also but I'm afraid, what with our own financial crisis, that's not an option. You could try coming over all domestic goddess & bake a cake - when the work you get an enormous sense of achievement and the household loves you!
xxx dmm
Dear Spindles, I can only add to the chorus and say you are not a failure! Once, when I was working for an evil multi-national petrochemical giant (as is the won't of starving artists who have to do temp work to pay the bills) I was subjected to the weekly ritual of the 'inspirational speaker'. It was called the Hero Program and meant obviously to inspire us drones to greater productivity. This speaker would always be some prominent sporting person and nearly always male. They would always drone on about following you're dream and only if you try hard enough you too can do anything. What I found most intriguing about these little shingdings was the long lists of thanks that these 'Heroes' would give - managers, sports physicians, publicists etc. The thing is, these publicly acknowledged heroes have this big, expensive team to prop them up. Yes they have talent, but what would they be with out all the support? And think about yourself - you're living this fantastic, difficult and inspiring life and it's tough. You don't have corporate sponsorship and an entourage on your payroll. But you have a dream that you are trying to live and a beautiful family. Spindles, it's people like you who should be publicly acknowledged as a hero (heroine) precisely because you are a success without the professional support team! Lots of virtual hugs from Sydney! PS Yep, it's true! Guys can't multitask, but most I know (and definitely including myself) feel like failures over most of the same things.
You are not a failure. You are an AMAZING director.
OK, I'm biased, but you are, really. Ask anybody who saw PETUNIA or P.
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